This story is a parody of Timothy Zahn's short story Mist Encounter. This story will be best enjoyed by those who have read the original story. No disrespect is intended to Timothy Zahn. The characters in this story do not belong to me, but belong to Lucasfilm. Do not repost anywhere without the permission of the author!
This work obviously contains spoilers for Mist Encounter, and also contains slight spoilers for the other Thrawn books. Honestly, I don't really think there are any spoilers other than for Mist Encounter.
(The Starwayman appears from hyperspace and heads for the only planet in the vicinity. A moment later, an Imperial Star Destroyer also enters the system and begins firing on the Starwayman. The shots don't even come close to hitting the Starwayman.)
(aboard the Starywayman)
BOOSTER: Nyah, nyah, can't catch us!
(aboard the Impstar)
PARCK: Get me those smugglers! (The Impstar floors it.)
(aboard the Starwayman)
LLOLLULION: They're gaining, Booster!
BOOSTER: Don't worry, they're not going to catch us.
(They fly over a tiny settlement.)
LLOLLULION: Hey, Booster, let's land here and see if anyone here would be willing to help us.
BOOSTER: That's all right, Llollulion.
LLOLLULION: Why not?
BOOSTER: Because, unless Inspector Horn is aboard that ship, I can't be touched. Only he can bring me down. Besides, who ever heard of anyone important ever living by him or herself out in the middle of nowhere as a hermit?
(The Starwayman hides while the Impstar flies around aimlessly.)
PARCK: (to Barris) I want a landing party assembled and ready to go in an hour. I also want a couple of TIE fighters down scouring the surface. We'll ferret those smugglers out of hiding if it's the last thing I do.
BARRIS: Yes, sir.
PARCK: Oh, yeah, make sure that all troops know to have their weapons set on stun.
BARRIS: Stun? But, sir, we're Imperials. We don't use stun settings.
PARCK: Um, we can't just gun down suspects unless they try to hurt us first. So far they've done nothing except run from us.
BARRIS: Since when?
PARCK: Since always, Barris. Give the Emperor time. He just took control a week ago, and he hasn't quite gotten around to signing the new "All Suspects Are Automatically Guilty" law into effect yet. Besides, we want these smugglers alive, remember?
BARRIS: Oh, yeah, that's right.
PARCK: Now go carry out your orders.
BARRIS: Yes, sir! (Barris exits the room.)
THE NEXT MORNING
(Barris and Parck are talking over their comlinks.)
BARRIS: Captain, we wanna come back up to the ship! Please let us come back to the ship!
PARCK: Have you caught those smugglers yet?
BARRIS: (angrily) No, we haven't, sir!
PARCK: (slightly annoyed) I've told you six times now that you cannot return to the ship until you have apprehended those smugglers.
BARRIS: Those smugglers have us under siege! I feel like I'm in the middle of the Clone Wars!
PARCK: I don't see what your problem is. What are those stormtroopers I sent down doing?
BARRIS: The stormtroopers are completely worthless! One of them is fucking lost, and he was the one with the fucking map! Now he's fucking lost in the fucking forest, and we're probably all going to fucking die because you won't let us come back up to the fucking shop! (a brief pause, then perfectly calm) Sir.
PARCK: All right, I can see that you're clearly incapable of capturing a child right now. You can assemble the men and come back.
BARRIS: Yippee!! I mean, thank you, sir. (The comlink clicks off.)
(Barris and Parck are now in the Impstar's hangar bay, as is a familiar-looking blue-skinned alien.)
PARCK: (to Barris, gesturing to the alien) This is our smuggler?
BARRIS: No, sir, but he is the one who found the map and showed us how to get back here.
PARCK: (turning to the alien) You found their map? (The alien nods.) We can use people like you in the Empire. Competent officers are few and far between, and I think you may have the right stuff to be one of them. What's your name, anyway?
THRAWN: I am called Mitth'raw'nuruodo'rooter.
BARRIS: Roto-Rooter?! (He starts to laugh. Parck throws him a dirty look, and he slowly gets himself back under control.)
PARCK: Mitth'raw'naroto-rooter, I have to ask you, how did you accomplish those multiple attacks of terrorism all by yourself?
THRAWN: It was quite simple, really. When I was exiled, I was able to bring with me only a few items. I chose a ball of yarn, five nails, a pack of silly putty, and my favorite teddy bear. Using those items along with the few things I was able to gather from the natural surroundings of the planet, I was able to construct enough items to wage a full-scale assault upon your pitiful little band for at least two weeks.
BARRIS: You built all those missile launchers, missiles, grenades, communications jamming equipment, and blasters from just those few items?
THRAWN: Yes.
BARRIS: And not only that, you were also the one responsible for putting those whoopee cushions under all the cushions on the shuttle and the talking Ewok toy in my refresher?
THRAWN: Yes. What did you think of the Ewok, by the way?
BARRIS: I almost had a heartattack when it said, "Yub, yub, Commander!"
THRAWN: (smiling slightly) Then it had the desired effect.
PARCK: (in awe) Forget Roto-Rooter, you should be called MacGyver!
THRAWN: Please don't insult my superior intellect. I may have watched MacGyver reruns to learn your language, but that's all I learned from that show.
PARCK: This does bring up something I need to address, though. If you joined the Empire, you'd have to call yourself something else. Too many idiots like Barris here would think you were a plumber otherwise.
BARRIS: Hey!
THRAWN: I understand completely. You can call me Thrawn, then. I've always preferred that name anyway. So much easier to say and spell.
PARCK: Thrawn it is. Welcome to the Empire!
THRAWN: I will join you on two conditions.
PARCK: And they are?
THRAWN: That I be made a Grand Admiral in the next decade or so, and that I never have to deal with incompetents like Barris.
PARCK: No problem with the first part, but I can't guarantee the second part. There are far too many of them around to keep them all away from you. But we'll try to get you the ones with the most potential to become non-idiots.
THRAWN: That is acceptable. (They shake hands, then Parck puts his arm around Thrawn's shoulders and walks him toward the door.)
PARCK: This could be the start of a beautiful relationship...
BOOSTER: (voiceover) Thrawn? That guy was Thrawn? I can't believe this. I really wish I would've contacted him now.
Copyright July 29, 2000 by Kelly M. Grosskreutz
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