This is a take on the classic one-act play Love Letters, inspired by my Dear Elegos. I was telling Diana that the first letter was done over ICQ, she kept asking me questions about it without reading it, one thing led to another, and this little parody was born. There are spoilers for Ruin here, so you might not want to read if you don't want that book spoiled. Corran and Elegos both belong to Lucasfilm, Ltd. No money is being made off of this, since this is definitely for entertainment purposes only. Do not repost anywhere without the permission of the author!
Dear Elegos,
I go through the work of writing this letter to you (don't even ask why) and when I decide to share it with others, no one's even interested! I suck! I'm unimportant!
Dear Corran,
I know. You're such an idiot!
Love, Elegos
Dear Elegos,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I think I'll just go run myself through with my own lightsaber. That way I can go pound on you in the afterlife!
Dear Corran,
Don't do that. You'll just suck in the energy and burn your clothes to bits again, and NO ONE needs to see that!
Truly, Elegos
Dear Elegos,
Not quite true. I had a request from this girl in Wisconsin...but I don't want to shock a dead, old man.
Love, Corran the Studmeister!
Dear Corran,
You're so dumb. Wisconsin is just another name for the Dark Side.
Respectfully, Elegos
Dear Elegos,
I don't think so. Wisconsin really isn't that different than our rural parts of Corellia. Then again, you wouldn't understand that, being from Caamas.
Love, Corran
Dear Corran,
Whippersnapper.
Truly, Elegos.
Dear Elegos,
My lightsaber's bigger than your lightsaber. That's right, you don't HAVE a lightsaber, because you're not a Jedi. Poor, poor Elegos.
Love, Corran
Dear Corran,
Your lightsaber sucks. Gantoris had a REAL lightsaber.
Faithfully, Elegos
Dear Elegos,
And how would you know, since you never met him? Or is there something about you and Gantoris you never told me?
Respectfully yours, Corran
Dear Corran,
Your letter to me... well, DUH!
Gleefully, Elegos of the Dark Side
Dear Elegos,
I have a feeling I never knew you at all. No, take that back. I have the feeling I'm channeling the wrong Elegos. Get thee gone, evil Elegos!
Sincerely, Corran Horn
Dear Corran,
The entity you are hoping to reach has terminated all transmissions capabilities for the time being. Please hang up, and try again when the Force is running through you in a more positive manner.
Sincerely, Force-help desk
Dear Force help desk,
Yes, I admit I have my problems, but I believe a Dark Sider has been in contact with me, going by the name Elegos. I respectfully request that this imposter be taken care of and thrown back into Sith Hell so I can talk to the real Elegos.
Respectfully yours, Corran Horn
Dear Corran,
Hi, old chap! Back from purgatory, such a long line with this war and all. Hope all's been well?
Love and cuddles, Elegos the Happy
Dear Elegos,
Man, is it great to see you! Did they tell you some imposter came and impersonated you? And the things he said were just horrible! I almost ran myself through with a lightsaber.
Relieved, Corran
Dear Corran,
If you did that, Valin will just dance with joy that his old man the nit-picker finally hated himself enough to do himself in. Don't give in. Be strong. Join me for some cocoa?
Lovingly, Elegos
Dear Elegos,
I still have a bad feeling about this. How do I know this is really you? I could be wrong here, but I don't think you've ever called me a nitpicker before.
Concerned, Corran
Dear Corran,
Corran? Is this Corran Horn? Corran Murray Horn? You and I played together during Shabbes at the Temple?
Confused, Elegos the Yid
Dear Elegos the Yid,
I'm sorry, I think you're the wrong one. I'm looking for Elegos A'Kla, the Caamasi diplomat.
Confused as well, Corran
Dear Corran,
Oy, gevalt! I got the right file, wrong person! Obviously, you're a goy! Muchos apologetos. I'll let the guy you want know you're looking for him. Oy!
Ish kebibble, Aleicheim Elegos
Dear Mr. Elegos,
Thank you kindly for responding. I was beginning to wonder and be afraid I'd lost contact forever. I would appreciate it if you'd find my Elegos. BTW, how DO you know my son?
Thankfully, Corran
Goy Corran,
When I got here, I asked for Corran Horn's file. I thought they gave me Murray's, they gave me yours. I forgot his boy's name, I checked the file. His boy's name, by the way, is Hymie.
Shalom, Elegos the Elder
Dear Elegos the non-A'Kla,
So you got Valin's name from my file? Interesting. Hey, what else did my file say?
Curiously, Corran
Corran, you sitting down?
Hate to break it to you, kid, but your Dad is so pissed you've never written. As for your Mama, bless her soul, all that's left of it, she's been bitch-slapping Gantoris and Kirtan Loor on your behalf since they got here. So rest easy.
Signing off, Yenta Elegos
Dear Elegos,
Thanks for telling me this. I guess I should write Dad one of these days, huh? I guess I was afraid he'd rag me out for letting him get killed. Mom? Mom who? I vaguely remember some lady being with Dad, but that's about it.
Resigned, Corran
Listen, Corran,
Write to your parents. After what they've been through? You owe it to them.
Paternally, Elegos
Dear Elegos,
After what THEY'VE been through? They've been dead for over twenty years! And what hardship did Mom ever have? The most she ever suffered is on the day she died!
Irritatedly, Corran
Dear Mr. Horn,
This link has been disconnected. You are getting close to slandering your own mother, plus you're bugging old people who have just won their freedom from purgatory. Please try again in a few months when you have calmed down. When your service has been reconnected, please write your parents.
Sincerely yours, Force Help Desk
Copyright September 9, 2000 by Diana DeRiggs and Kelly M. Grosskreutz.
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